Growing up, it was drilled into my head. Sex is bad. Sex = babies & a baby will RUIN YOUR LIFE! Life will = up in smoke. Babies are expensive. You can not afford it. Babies cry all day & all night. You don't sleep at all. They take over everything. Your life must revolve around them. They are needy. They get sick. They ruin your things & your clothes & your body. You will never again have a moment alone. You will not be able to do anything you want to anymore. Do not get pregnant! Your life will be over.
|Pottery Barn Kids|
Put that paragraph on repeat for about 10 years or so. It's no wonder babies completely & totally freak me out. Children too, I have no idea how to talk to a child. I look at them awkwardly & they look at me, then turn their attention to my much more interesting husband... the pediatric resident who hangs out with kids all day. I've always wanted kids. I still do. But I still kinda feel too young. Would people look at me funny as I walk around town with a giant belly? Would they ask if it was an accident? Would it ruin my life? Plus, babies turn into teenagers. I pass teens in the mall & think about how they used to be cute babies & now they're.... awkward TEENS! Eack...
At what age are you supposed to forget about the ruin your life bit & suddenly be thrust into the babies are totally awesome camp? I think I'm getting there, just more slowly than others. I still think that it will be all of those things I said above except for the ruin your life bit. Expensive. Crying. No sleep. Taken over. Needy. Sick. Ruined clothes, body. One of our friends who recently had a kid said the other day that it's "so much harder" than he thought it'd be. I don't know, I think it'll be pretty borderline impossible, so if it's harder than I think it's going to be, I don't know how I'll survive.
But then, maybe it's like residency. Everyone talks about how awful it is. How you'll never see your spouse. How they are so absorbed in their own hospital related lives. And when you go through it, it's all kinda true, but it's not really as bad as you think it's going to be in some ways... and in other ways it's worse. You just can't really explain how it is to others, so you say all those same things that you were told about how it is, even though it's really kinda something different. There's just no way to REALLY explain it, so you explain the only way you can. So maybe it's like that. What everyone says is kinda true, but mostly they just can't think of any other way to explain it to someone who hasn't experienced it yet. And so, it's hard, & it is what they say, but not really, and it's not really the same as it's all made out to be.
That's kinda what I'm thinking might be the case. It's all the hard things they say, but it's gotta be awesome too, which is why you are able to do it even though it's hard. I'm coming around. Coming around to the place where I can think about thinking about having a baby. Coming around to peeing on a stick with hope & not fear. Coming around to becoming pregnant & going to tell my parents with joy rather than with dread. When I'm asked when we'll have a baby, I now just say "not today" rather than giving the asker a look that says "you must be joking" while saying "not for a long long time".
It's more of a "someday fairly soon I think, maybe" kinda thing now... but still... not today.